In this enlightening episode, a life and executive coach shares her innovative methodology for helping individuals overcome negative self-talk and achieve their dreams. Drawing from years of experience in universities and corporate settings, the importance of keeping promises to oneself and breaking inherited behavioral patterns that hinder personal growth. By fostering self-awareness and encouraging transparency in addressing addictions and bad habits, clients can reconnect with their true aspirations and enhance their personal power.

The conversation explores the transformative impact of gratitude and self-awareness on personal development. A framework for articulating dreams across twelve different life areas, creating a roadmap for fulfillment. Advocates for integrating emotional intelligence education into schools and training programs, highlighting the potential for lasting change when children learn to express their feelings and confront limiting beliefs. This proactive approach aims to empower future generations, fostering a more positive and resilient society.

Highlights of the Podcast

00:02 – Introduction to Coaching

01:10 – Focus on Dreams

04:45 – Breaking Behavioral Patterns

09:35 – Personal Integrity Formula

15:01 – Handling Addictions

20:46 – Taking Responsibility for Your Life

21:17 – The Duality of Self

24:42 – Understanding Your Inner Dialogue

31:59 – The Limitations of Negative Self-Talk

35:39 – Designing Your Life

41:12 – Gratitude and Focus

41:56 – Rating Dreams

43:24 – Common Issues

46:20 – Nature vs. Nurture

50:50 – Evolving Parenting

53:01 – Mental Health Awareness

55:27 – Teaching Emotional Intelligence

57:08 – Supporting Teachers

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:00:02] I am a life coach and an executive coach and I have a methodology that I have been teaching since 1997. Eight, truthfully. Right. And then I’ve taught in over 50 different universities. My methodology and I go into corporations and places like Stanford Business School, and I was there for seven years and at MIT for ten. So I developed a process. To help people dream about their lives, to stop the negative inner dialog in their hands on purpose, and to learn how to take committed actions for themselves. So most people can keep promises to everybody else or might be able to keep promises to other people. I care about the promises you should keep to yourself that you wish you were keeping so that you could really excel in your own power and freedom in your life.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:01:03] So like lots of self-sabotage stuff. You guys are figuring out the limiting beliefs and self-sabotage and pulling that out.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:01:10] I would say I am way more focused on the dreams.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:01:16] Okay.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:01:17] And because over 80% of the language in our head is negative and fear based. Not like we don’t need more of that. We need to actually deal with what we want. What are you looking for? Have like, you have a higher self. So I teach you have a higher self and your poor higher self never gets to say anything because your lower self and your highest lower self, all the side of fear are doing all the talking. So we’re going to shut that down for a bit and we’re going to start to get you to talk about what you most want in your life. And you’d be amazed. So.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:01:58] Yeah. It’s. It’s. It is really, really bad. Like, I’ll talk to people all the time and they can’t make like they can. Like you said, they can. They can, you know, make commitments and they can hold their meetings. They can get their stuff done. They like, I promise you I’ll do this. And they do it every single time. And then they’re like, I thought you said you were going to go to the gym. And they’re like, I wanted to. But yeah, like they just can’t hold it. Like they really wanted to. They can’t hold their promises to themselves. And that’s, I think, a really interesting place for people to be in because it says something a lot about how you value you.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:02:31] Yeah, it’s it’s, you know, you should value your job. You should keep everybody like the world is decently organized, that your life is about fitting in and making sure everybody else is happy. It really it like, really.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:02:44] Yeah.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:02:45] And you are like the individual doesn’t realize how much they’re suffering and not figuring out what would truly make them happy or why they won’t do it. Right. Like what you’re saying, Like no one’s investigating. Why didn’t you go to the gym? Like, that’s where I start, right? So this is the body you say you want. Really? And this is why you want to. And then what really is winning is the cookie. Right. Winning is Netflix, right? So then all of a sudden we all giggle, right? Because we pretend we’re surprised that cookies and Netflix are winning. Really? Are we really surprised? How about the potato chip? I think the potato chip is really winning, too, right? So it’s really time to face what’s really running us is where I start coaching.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:03:41] So what do you see? Like, is there is there a common underlying theme that, like a lot of us have this issue with, or is it like has been indoctrinated into us like through different social, social structures and religious structures? Is there something that’s that’s holding the most of us back or.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:03:57] Something like what happened to study? Let genetics right. So I happen to study and epigenetics is the way it’s not just your you didn’t just get your blue eyes from your dad. You also got his wandering blue eyes, right? So I do behavioral epigenetics. Or I even like to call them spiritual epigenetics, where you’re not connected to what the challenge of your soul will be like. I’m sorry. You really do have that, Mom. And you really did end up exactly like that. This is a big Now what moment, right? Because the spiritual challenge is you’re the next generation.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:04:43] So breaking those, Breaking those.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:04:45] Breaking the line. My line is my tag line is break the lineage in honor of the lineage.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:04:52] Very nice.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:04:53] And then what you’re resolving and breaking in your life. You are resolving and breaking in in your children’s life if you have children.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:05:03] So when you’re when you’re walking down through this, is this something that people see as an issue or they don’t even see it as an issue because they’re just used to growing up like that?

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:05:12] They’re just complaining because they’re just like, I don’t know. It’s rather like people suffer because they wish they were different while they’re eating the potato chip. Which is pretty cute, right? Like humans are pretty cute. Pretty cute. Pretty full of shit. Cute?

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:05:30] Yes. Yes. That’s the thing I like all the way. And it’s funny cause you call them out on it. They’re like. Yeah, but it’s like. But why? Like what? I don’t. I don’t get it. Like, if you want to change your life, that was the big thing that like that, I think that I figured out. And it was weird because it took ayahuasca to get me to do it. But to figure out like, you can do more, you can be more than you are, let it go and go do the thing. But it’s you know, we talk about this all the time and it’s funny cause it’s always funny to me when when when we bring up these concepts and people are like, this is so new epigenetics and, you know, connection to epigenetics. Me They talked about this in the Bible. The sins of the father can carry down seven generations. Like, this is not new information. What is new is how do we fix it? Right. Because that’s always like you can point out all the problems in the world and now you’re just complaining if we have a path through it. Now we have solutions. Now we should talk about this. So, like, walk me through kind of how you analyze and how you start breaking these things down with people.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:06:31] So every client that works with me will be tracking their negative inner dialog. So there’s a variety of steps that no matter how much you understand something, if you don’t do it, it’s like, I understand that’s how something works, but I have no idea how to work the thing, right? So most people can know it like, yes, I should do that, but unless you’re you actually deal with it, you’re never going to do it specifically you. Right. So I deal with the individual having to be accountable or taking those actions. And I’m the witness. So as the the coaches and the handle group and the handle method are are not just telling you what to do, we’re following and managing you. Right. And in my program, inner you, you can even get them you can take classes for free and then you get buddies with buddy people up to start practicing together, which is wonderful because you don’t need to practice on your mother or your kid. You can practice with someone you don’t know who also wants to learn. And I also want to just go back. It’s really important that a person connects to their dream. And then they speak about it. And they deal with feeling, but they really do want that body or that health or like if they’re not attached to why and they mean it. You’re not going to do the work. And so if you go, is that why I’m not doing the work? And I’m like, Yeah, you’re not connected to your dream. You’re lying. You wish You wish you’d get out of bed at 6 a.m., but you’ve never really done it. You don’t even know what I’m talking about. And you don’t even know how it would feel if you did it and why you’d be happy.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:08:22] So there’s a lot of times people have this dream, but it’s not really the dream. It’s like it’s what they want as their dream. You’re seeing that as well.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:08:32] I don’t let anyone get away with any of that. So if any, no one would show up in Handel if they were trying to stay the same, right. You would look like so and so because you’re going to get your ass kicked. Right? And now you’re going to get your ass kicked as you’re going to learn how to keep promises to yourself. But before I even get you to the right promises I need to pass. How in love you are with your dream. Like if you want to, like, eat potato chips, than eat potato chips like I don’t need. You don’t need to feel bad. I remove guilt. Feeling bad and lying from your life. So I think it’s a lie. If you say you want your you know, you want this muscle, but you won’t go to the gym. Why are you lying? I like to lie. Do you feel better that you think you might go tomorrow? So I have a formula that’s called, you know, my personal integrity fault formula, where I’m teaching someone how to have integrity, and it’s. You want to hear?

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:09:35] Yeah, I do. Yeah. Please.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:09:36] Okay. Okay. So it has three levels to it. Okay. And the top two have integrity. And the bottom line is what the human race does. Look. Okay. So or you’re doing the other two, you’ll say. So I said I do X. I did X. I feel good about myself. Everyone on earth knows that that is the only way to feel good about yourself. It’s really true. No one’s like, Really? You’re kidding, right? So everyone gets that. Then there really is. This is the one that no one fully gets. I said I do x. Y did y equals tall. I hope I didn’t curse. Okay. And then it’s a choice, right? It’s okay. I said I pay you back. I spent the money. What am I? Jerk, right? Like to tell the truth. Be the jerk. Yeah. Okay. So both of those are honest. Both of those are the truth. I said I would be there at ten. I showed up at 11. Immature. Please forgive me. Okay. Now, here’s what the human race does. I said I do X, but I did Y or what I’m going to do Y and in the moment, you’re not going to keep your agreement. Two things happen are produced by the mind. Okay. Like nanoseconds. Okay. And it’s the reason I can’t get out of bed because I’m exhausted. My wife and I had a bye. Like, I can’t go because you’re going to have a reason, a justification or an explanation no matter what, like the minute you’re even going back to that agreement. But the next thing that’s manufactured at the same time. Is you’re going to start feeling bad. You’re guilty. What’s wrong with me? I know. I know. I should go. So not only do you come up with your reason, you manufacture a reason. Because my my father never went to the gym. Right. Like, why don’t you say you got some story in there that makes you right and then you feel bad about yourself, and then it’s because you’re still a good person. Maybe you’ll be better tomorrow. And then I circle that whole path and go, Hey, guys, you know what that is? That’s how the dark side pretends it’s like.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:12:04] Yeah.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:12:05] This is all a bunch of lying. And it’s manufactured. And the only part you have to do to eat the bag of potato chips are not go to the gym is feel bad about yourself. So you’re still a good person. But the truth is, is you just don’t like a table, right? Yeah. Don’t keep promises like stop pretending. Stop saying them. Right. You’ll feel like you’re just that person and you’re that person. What’s wrong with that? I want people to be true to themselves, not bullshitting themselves, which is that whole formula.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:12:37] So if we get to the point where we say we want to go do the thing and we realize that we really don’t and so we stop doing the thing, how do you change the actions that they actually get to do the thing without? Because you’re like, Well, I’m not going to feel guilty about it anymore. And I just apparently don’t want to go to the gym. I’m not going to go to the gym. How do you get them to end up changing or do you just not worry about the change? Because that’s not who they really are.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:13:01] We have to front what they will never have. They have to accept the consequences fully, beautifully, like so you understand if you keep doing this, you’re you could get cancer. Do you understand? Are you like, okay, great. Go have that conversation with your kids, your wife, like you’re done lying. Like I tell people to fly their actual freak flags, like, stop flying at half mast. Like, tell the truth. Come on. It’s so that you can respect yourself. And if people don’t want to be around you, if people don’t are not okay with it, then they can fight with you to your face. Right. So I used to use nicotine and i. I. I had a feeling when I was going through my divorce, I was like, this is a time for nicotine. Trust me, I’m all right. And then I promised my kids when I felt happy again, like when I was out of these woods. That I. You’ll know I’m out of the woods because I’ll stop smoking. And. And I meant it. Right. And then I haven’t smoked in like, I think it’s two year, like a year and a half now. Right. And I’m done for life. That was the end of that. Right. And I promised. But during that year or year and a half, 18 months, I was like, Yo, kids, it is my only best friend, right? This is my this is my my life partner. While on miserable. And dealing with my pain. And so I chose to be what most people might call an asshole.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:14:42] Well, the thing is, is that as long as you’re like you said, as long as you’re like, I’m going to own up to this because of where the phase of my from in. Yeah, that would, that would, that would make sense. The the thing is is that what I would be interesting is, is it are you finding it easy because like nicotine’s a great example but you know, people are like, I’m going to start drinking heavily or I’m going to start doing whatever because a lot of people use alcohol as their coping mechanism and then they get chemically addicted to it. And so it’s hard to get out of the other side of that. How do you how do you then turn around like, okay, well, now I want to get out of it, but I’m chemically addicted to it. How do you then get them to join.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:15:20] You when you you wean yourself like I even have people wean cigarets, Right. There’s lots of ways to quit any bad habit if you’re if you’re done doing overeating. Right. If you’re done. So I always deal with addictions. I deal with them all the time. And there really is get a person to tell the truth about it. Like the first thing before I even put someone on a diet. They have to take a picture and send it to me. Everything they eat. Like if you put it in your mouth, send a photo. Like I said about our care here, we’re not dealing with your diet yet. We’re dealing with the truth. Like, can you just be can you just be transparent and honest? Because most people shame themselves about everything they’re doing, feel bad guilt themselves. You want to have eight drinks that let me see them when they happen. Like first, just let’s you and me have you can you tell the truth about who you really are? Can you own it? Like lose the guilt. So the first thing I lose is the shame mechanism. And the feeling bad about yourself? Mechanism. It’s. It’s. It’s part of the sick disease. And it can be about it can be about anything. It could be about what time you get out of bed. It could be about your morning habit. Right. Like, okay, how many times a year? Like I get all kinds the truth. Right. And so I am not about shaming humans. I am about it. And you got to love yourself. You aren’t getting out of this hole with shame if you’re in the hole.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:17:01] That’s what’s keeping you in the hole. Because apparently the shame and the guilt hasn’t helped you get out. So we need to find something else to get you out of the hole. That’s so that makes you know that that makes some sense in that one. But no, it’s that’s a very interesting because what’s funny is that I’ll have people do some of it, some of the same stuff and like keep a food diary, like everything that you eat, write down tic tac, T-Bone steak, the whole deal. And I think Thursday to Tuesday, just send it to me. And then like half the time I’ll talk to people and they’re like, I figured out what my issue is like. Really? Like, I didn’t know how many cookies I was eating. Like now I know, like because again, like awareness and, you know, coming to terms with yourself, like actually saying, yeah, this is what I’m doing is by far you have to start with where you are. So I people, where are you? Where do you want to go? If we don’t have both these points, we can’t make any new transition. So if you believe you’re actually here when you’re not getting, the awareness is going to be paramount.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:17:57] Yeah, I. I add one other feature, which is the voices in your head are not your friends. Like you’re here if you don’t get what they’re saying to you all the time and you think those voices in your head are you. That’s crazy, right? Like, you don’t think the shit that comes out your butt is you. You think you’re. You’re just didn’t make sense, right? Like you don’t think. You don’t think you are your body’s functions. You think your body has functions. Your mind is a scene in a hearth and the mind itself is managing its vices and hiding and lying and not being true to itself. Like if you don’t get into that mind of yours and really start to get your soul’s higher self talking a lot. Your excuses. Your parents said everything about you will be on one long loop that always makes sense to you. And it makes sense to me. Yeah, it’s an entire I do, you know, an entire way of wake up your higher self and the only way to wake up your higher self. Is to hear what’s going on in there connected to how you eat, how you jerk off, how you treat your family, how you avoid things at work. Right. Like none of it’s wrong. None of it’s study, you know? Right. The reason you can’t have the career you want is right there, too. So. Money’s blocked. Everything’s blocked when you’re at. So I you know, you’re an I. I relate to humans like they’re on a scale in every area of their life from 1 to 10. And that everything is a state. So if you’re offshore when it comes to how in love you are with your wife, you’re like a slut for I’m like, what does that mean? What does a for do? What is a for saying it’s had. Right. You think of four, wants to give his wife a hug when he comes in the door? No. Right. Do you think of a fork? Go straight to the kids. Right. Like a four. Go straight to the. Like a four. Go straight for the beer. Right. Like so. No one’s realizing that they can jump states or that they’re stuck somewhere for a story rolling around in their head and that the way out can actually not take six years or forever, or a divorce and then have another wife and find out it’s not that different like 40 years later. Right. So it takes a while for a person to figure out it’s you. Yeah, That’s why my books name is. Maybe it’s you.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:20:46] Well, it’s funny because, like, when I talk to people, that’s that’s a main theme. I always tell people, make everything I like. You have to recognize something. The vast majority of the things that are going wrong in your life are your fault. Yeah, which is actually a good thing because you can then fix you have the power to fix any of the things you want to fix. You just have to, like you said, own up to the fact that it’s a problem one. And that too, you’re the one who has the power to fix it. And then now we have to figure out, do you really want to fix it? Is it worth the work?

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:21:17] Yeah, I, I create enough language. And use language in a way that gives people a way out of their current reality. With. And and teaches integrity from a place that is like that voice is not your friend. That voice is your lower self. Everyone has one. What’s your say? So if you start tracking that voice, no one will track it by themselves. That it’s the voice that’s talking. You think it wants to tell on itself? Right. This is crazy. So the minute you. You start tracking the voice. Who’s tracking the voice? That’s your higher self. Good morning. Interesting. You literally have to wake up your higher self. You have to give it its platform. If you don’t get that, your higher self is eating, your lower self is eating cookies. It’s not your higher self. Your higher self really understands too.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:22:16] Yeah.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:22:17] Okay. It does. But so I’d like to create a way to give a human power to differentiate and take over the mainframe. Right. And understand that that mind of theirs is not their friend, but something that neat like, you know, we shave our legs because we don’t like the hair. Ladies, Right. What are you doing about that brain of yours? Like that mind and that voice in your head like you’re letting it run amok.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:22:45] Yeah.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:22:45] Yeah. So it’s I teach how to take over one’s mind spiritually with knowing you have a soul in your soul. Has wants to have a mission and your higher self has much better plans for you than the cookies.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:23:02] So finding purpose.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:23:05] Connecting to your dreams. I have never met a person who doesn’t have a bucket list. From a very young age and most people can’t wouldn’t even like if I said. Right now. Write down everything. On your bucket list. God’s coming down and you can have it in the next five years. You can get in. What, like that you’ve thought out before? Not like. Take a push. Right. Like don’t. Yeah, don’t do that. No real things you’ve thought of that are on your bucket list that you wish was true that you did and accomplished that you mean to do when you wish you could. Everyone has a list. And that’s your higher self purpose where you are. It’s in you most. That’s so the the method that I’m teaching is I’ve been for a long time getting people to their souls, mission and fulfillment. So you go find their purpose. And I’m like, Yeah, like they already know their purpose. They’re in their default mission right now. They’re in their lower selves and highest lower self I can. And I know how to catch that tiger, right? I am. That’s my watch. They track that tiger. I and I. It’s you know. I know.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:24:28] Very nice. So the the so as you’re as people are going through the so the the negative voices in their head, do they calm down? Do they they talk less or do you just listen to them less.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:24:42] So you you. So the first thing I have people so if you’re tracking it right I’ll have we track it on a subject. So if you’re dealing with someone’s eating habit, once they’ve they’re willing to tell the truth and they get past the point of they’re taking pictures. Then I the next the gradient I would add right you start small and you keep got you ratcheted up right. Of getting more and more present. So then take a photo of everything you’re eating. Okay. Now tell me with your head said that it wanted to eat like tell me what your voice in your head is saying right before I give you a diet, before we even talk about taking things away. Right. So I’m making and then the tracking is you have like what is your lower self say, What is your highest lower self say? And then what is your higher self Say back to those two guys. Right. And so you’re giving a platform to your higher self to talk back to your lower self. And so your lower self. The lower. So and then like a some simple way to explain it is your lower self is like I don’t want to get out of bed. Your highest lower self is my joke. It’s your God stick. It’s like if you like had a pad, you’re going to guess. You’re going to get like it yells at you and we pretend our highest lower self is God and is our higher self. But if it’s shaming you and scaring you and making you and using fear, it’s not your higher self, right? Your. And then only after you can figure out what those two are saying, you then in that nanosecond go and I have people write it down what is their higher self say back to those two. And it’s amazing. And then I am their witness. So I watch their dial up. So and if someone isn’t getting witnessed it, you know, I can do this on myself without a witness, but I wouldn’t recommend that at home. But it could work if you have, like, real integrity, like, I bet you could do it right.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:26:47] Well, it’s funny because, like, that’s one of the things that like so for instance, since I started throwing out that and I said, anger’s not a real emotion. It’s a real emotion. It’s not a primary emotion. But whenever I start to get mad, I then stop and go, All right, you’re not really mad. What are you. Why are you hurt? Are you afraid? Like, what’s going on? And so you can. I can dial it down like I am this because of these things, and then I can start picking on appealing the part. But it’s funny because, like, one of the things that it’s funny when you talk about that, the other self-talk in the negative because there’s a lot of that. Like I spend like a lot of time in my head going through that and it’s fun because like what I’ve been able to do is use that to really actually help because my voice is like, You’re not good enough to do this. The other part of me is like, Let me list the reasons why I am. So that now, when no somebody else ever says this online, however, I know I’ve already I’ve already gone through that. I’ve already dealt with that negativity. I already figured out that me personally, I don’t believe that. And here’s the reasons why they never once why I come to reason like, okay, this is a truth. Like, I’m not like, I’m not ready to do this for these reasons. And then my great now I have a list of ordered things that I need to go do in order to be the place I need to be at. And so I do a little bit of that sort of thing. But it would be interesting to see because I think a lot of this stuff, because of the way the mind filters, information that comes in and the way it comes out, it’ll be interesting to sit down with somebody and just talk to them and just realize, there’s a block here that I haven’t seen because it’s a block and someone from the outside in can see it and be like, What about this little thing? You know, like, I didn’t even notice that. Like, that’s one of the big things that is would be interesting.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:28:38] You still think the voice is you, though? It doesn’t. It’s not a fart. When you’re managing that like you still that lower set, once you figure out what your lower self says. It says the same thing. It has eight tricks. It’s like an eight trick pony. It has nothing else going on. It’s doing the same. It’s. We’re not. We’re mammals. Okay? We’re. I know. We think we’re really, you know, something else, but we’re animals, and we’re not that complicated in our bodies. We’ve got that many things that like the voice in your head if you track it. You will find out. Embarrassingly, it doesn’t have that much going on. It says the same damn things. It’s got morning, noon and night. Like it? It’s not that intelligent, but it sucks you in every time. It’s like it’s running the mainframe, right? So it’s doing the same things. And you also have a personality. You have personality traits or by an identity. But even that’s predictable. You’re if you track, you’re in a dialog for a month. Right. You will start to figure out with this shit’s canned. Right. It’s it’s it really is. Right. And you’re the very voice itself will never say it is right. And then your highest lower self is also on the side of ear. And I’m trying to protect you. And that it everybody does is scared. Everyone is going to judge you and like it. It has like no contact except it has content that freaks you out every day. So yeah, I really do get a person to get how. Not awesome, that voice like, wow, look, this thing thing is like, wow, that smells like I should use deodorant, Right. So your higher self becomes the deodorant. Like you. Like you start to get with this machine. Like, I work with a client over 17 years. That inner dialog has no chance. I year to it was like the same. Damn, it doesn’t change. It’s not even interesting anymore. Right? So but what is interesting is what your higher self which is the real you. Starts to think about spiritually, positively. This voice is what you’re fighting with all day. You’re also missing the punch line. You have to deal with how to live. Like, put that voice down. Like, not like you don’t hear it. But I don’t need to traffic all my negative inner dialog anymore. Right. It’s like, what’s it saying? It only then talks with big new things. Right. Or like my negative inner dialog hit loud. When I started getting divorced. Right. Like, I didn’t know it was coming. Like. So then what did you have to go through? Right? And so big new things and changes that are happening. My father has dementia. That. Gives my lower self a whole new like narrative.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:31:59] Yes.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:32:00] Right. So, yeah. So. But that’s how it works. Right. So your higher self is the real you. And you must develop it in the higher self is based on your dreams and love. And your soul’s mission. I don’t care if your sole mission is. To be rich and do nothing. Like I am not judging what you came here to do. You need to be in love with what you came here to do. So your dreams are then your higher self. And then your lower self is what you’re battling until you get it into submission. And your actions and the voice in your head really needs to start talk. That 20% that is positive in your mind needs to turn into the 80 and that is a manual working job that I assign people. Right? Like there is a does that make that like it goes? Yeah. The 2280 where your lower self is the 20 and your higher self is the 80. Right now, we all don’t have a chance in hell because we believe the voice in our head is us.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:33:12] Interesting. Because I haven’t I haven’t ever thought of it. Like you said, as the, you know, your body has functions, and this is the function. And this is more of a the way it works in my head is it’s it’s a it’s set up from I don’t like to use from evolutionary but it’s set up as a protective mechanism to keep you from danger and from being hurt in any physical or emotional state. But it’s I guess overprotective would be the way to look at it. So we need to, you know, not listen to.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:33:43] That is very generous. It is mean, cold, neutral, be vicious, paranoid, lazy thinking. It deserves everything already. Come on. Right. It is. It’s cuckoo. Right? That voice is long since valuable. Right? And your highest lower self might have something. So I. One of the exercises I have people do is if you wake up. So on a scale of 1 to 10, if you wake up under an eight like. I’m really feeling happy, excited to two to a day that you designed. So I also help people design their day. Right. So you have to work for the good side, right? Like if you are not designing your day planning what you’re going to do. Having integrity, chasing all your dreams, whatever they are. And you can bet you’re being in the 80% on the negative side. I’m sorry. And then you have some good skills. You have some good traits. You have things you’re good at. It’s not all a shit show. Right. But you’re lucky if I catch your head. It may be in 2024. But boy, boy, there’s a lot of the same stuff. That sounds like 2019. So that’s the shift I I’m coming for.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:35:08] Very interesting. So once you went, you kind of track all this stuff through. And you’re starting to make the changes. Is it because the idea isn’t that we’re pushing against the lower self? The idea is that we stop listening to it. We start interjecting higher level information.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:35:27] Or once you start keeping real promises for your dream, like where this is all leading is being in love with the life you design.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:35:37] Okay.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:35:39] And that’s why I keep talking about your dreams. So if you’re obsessed with making your dreams happen and I make. There’s 12 areas of life. Right. It’s not just your career, your body and your love life and your family. It’s only four. Right. I there’s it’s you need to know your dream about money, about friends, about making a difference in the community, about your relationship to yourself. Right. So I create 12 different areas where I ask for a dream in each of the 12, and that is a lot of new inner dialog. Yeah, right. And even just a person writing that out. Is game changing? And because. Because we’ve never done it. You could be like, Yeah, yeah, I get it. Getting it is not like, sit down. I wrote that out. Read it to me. I would like to hear your. And all of a sudden you’re, like, vulnerable. Present. Your heart’s beating and. And now you’re in your life creating your life. If you’re not in your life, creating your life, you’re really not. Yeah. Like, it’s such a duh. And then you’re just leaving the loop of your lower self in your highest lower self to do whatever they do. And then. And then you’re keeping other people happy. The meds are your pleasing. And I hope you had good parents because you’re going to be this much better than them in evolutionary terms. And you’re not breaking out into a dream state of fulfilling on your greatest bucket list dreams.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:37:20] Very interesting. You know, it’s funny cause I tell my kids all the time, you get to be the man you want to be. I have two boys. So you get to be the man you want to be. So who do you want to be? And so this is this same, same same vein of.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:37:35] Absolutely.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:37:36] Sit down. You know what’s funny is that I haven’t thought of the individual verticals. I talk about the hierarchy a lot. Right. Because it’s like, you know, where do you sit in the hierarchy? Yeah. It’s like, how good are you at, you know, name anything, right? Because like, yeah, there’s be places where you’re really good and the places you’re not so good. And like, I always lean into the things that you’re great at, like lean into your talents and get better at those. But is there is that you? There’s 12 are there are these lists of all 12? Are they different for every person?

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:38:04] Yeah. No, no, no. I have 12 So in my book there’s 12 areas of life that I expect you to dream. And truth is, before I wrote it into a book, there used to be 18. Then the publisher said, No one will buy your book ranked No. One, not a single person. So I had to squish everything into the 12, right? Because I definitely had sex. Not in your love life, right? Like, so I had sex on its own. I had your partner on. It’s not like your dream love life, right? But the part with a with a significant or whatever you’re into. Right. So I had all money, career, relationship to self relationship to time. I made its own area. So there’s 12 areas of life I know I have to if you want my list might have to get the list are like remember them but that’s one part of the methodology in and then I have a person start to learn how we don’t believe in our dreams, our language, even when a person writes their first round of dreams. I have never met a dream I didn’t have to send back to someone and go get the negative language out like that, you know? You know, I finally find someone who loves me back. What I like. Right. So they’re they’re like, what do you mean? And that’s a haunting. And you’re still like, That’s not a dream. Yeah, right. And it’s still negative. What do you really wish for? I fall in love with someone that loves me, like and then I’m like, Now put it into first person. Like it already happened. I fell in love. With someone who is my favorite person on earth. And when they say it, it feels different. Right. So there’s an energetic match. There’s a way we feel when we’re connected. And that’s your higher self. Everything else is. I’m asking you to marry me. Right? So there’s like, figuring out who you really are, and everything has to be moved away from everything. Fear based, negative and all your. Drama and trauma and history. It has to start to separate, in which case people can write a money monetary. And you have to mean it, right? So the minute you write a dream and you write one that’s true and positive and what you really want. You don’t feel the same about yourself. And if I made you read it over and over every day. And then called you in six week and said, Well, okay, what happened? Right. And they actually paid attention to it. They would start naturally having new results without even getting like wildly effective, inefficient. So I’m like, I’m a coach. I’m going for wildly effective and efficient, but I could I could get you to have like, better. Pretty easily.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:41:12] Well, you know, it’s funny cause, like, that’s, that’s the premise of, you know, in my with I do gratitude to people when I do something like that like just shifting their focus of, you know, what are you looking for every day subconsciously. Right. You know, and so them sitting down and reading, if you’re having them do this every day, reading the things that they want, they’re going to start subconsciously looking for ways to get the things they want. And so that open loop will help them find, here’s the thing. Here’s how my path, here’s where we’re going. And so that’s that’s I think is a phenomenal first step. But like, well, I mean, first you have to identify all the crap that’s wrong inside your head first to then allow yourself to even dream.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:41:56] So this is how I do that. I ask for a dream. Write your dream. And then I said, And then I give you a rating scale and I ask you to rate your life against that dream. And then as I give you like the levels of from a one to a ten. Right? And so then and I say, what? And I said, why did you give it that rating. Please explain. So then they can bitch and moan through that part. Example for my wife’s defense. This is happening. This doesn’t work, right? Like, so then. So here’s the dream. Here’s my rating and why I gave it a four. And then I ask, What do you think is between you and a ten and nine? Ten, the highest state. And then they explain all their reasons and everything. And then because I didn’t at all. Well, different areas. They actually have to explain their logic or lack of logic. In an area, but I literally got their inner dialog out of them. Right. That is a so because I you know the creams on top and then this is everything and all the sediments coming down. Right. And so that’s what’s that’s how I separate it out. And then I then get them to see that that’s their inner dialog. And this is all the crazy shit that they’re looping in. And it really is a game changer.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:43:24] How much of that stuff do you see? You’ve got these you get these 12 areas we’re looking at and all the reasons why they’re not there. How often do you see those things being correlating to the same either anchor that’s keeping them or limiting believer where we want to call it like the same issue? Like if we can just pull this 1 or 2 issues or are they all different?

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:43:47] So the second section of my. What I teach is parent trades. I make you make a list of every positive and negative trait, every positive and negative trait. So all the positive traits, two sentences per parent. Right? So your mom and your dad or whoever raised you and to two sentences portray some, you know, and then how that lives in you. Are you the same the opposite or some reaction to it. And so you have your dreams and all of the ways you explain why they’re not happening. And then you have your parents positive and negative traits. And then I ask for your parents positive and negative traits in marriage or however many marriages you’ve you’ve lived through through your parents. And then the final section of the homework or the main body of work is your hauntings. I say go through the 12 areas of life and give me your haunting memories about each of those areas. So when I say your dad, you don’t have all the memories of your dad. You have the same five. Then I’m like positive or negative ones that are the screamers. And so then I connect the dots. So we are a little comprehensive. But if you go through that pile of explaining why you do and don’t have what you want, it’s either your lineage got you trapped because of your dad’s money issues. Your addiction is your mother’s because she really liked those pills. Sorry about that. You can’t find love and you’re a little bit of a sex addict because they had a sexless marriage. Right? Like, so we’re starting to connect all the dots between your memories that haunt you. Because I actually teach that the reason you’re haunted in your memories is because there’s lies in those memories or you learned the wrong lesson. So I. Right. So pending on what’s going on in the 12 areas of life, that’s why my coaches are trained is we can figure out what we have to work on, whether it’s your parent traits and IP, the traits, your traits, the personality traits. Yeah, our operating systems. Yes. Right. And then we come up with nicknames for the apple like, so we make it fun enough to actually fall in love with yourself and choose being you and start to, like, get the show on the road. Of evolving yourself into those dreams.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:46:20] Very, very cool. So do you see? Like we do. Have you ever noticed anybody this is the thing would be interesting to me is if, like, for instance, someone didn’t know their parents very well, they died earlier or something like that, and then they end up being just like them, even though they didn’t have the like you, the nature and nurture thing, like they didn’t have of nurture, but they ended up exactly like them anyway from the epigenetic function. Yeah. How often do you see that sort of thing? That’s, that’s very I.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:46:49] I literally, you know, like I have my one liners. I’m like, Hey, guys. Nature or nurture. I’m sorry. It’s nature. Nurture is what you do while you’re dealing with your nature.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:47:03] That’s great. That smell.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:47:05] Of happiness. That’s it. That. I’m sorry. Nature and nurture. Nature. Nurture is what is is this program like? That’s what we’re doing now. We’re nurturing your nature.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:47:18] That makes total sense. That makes everything. Yeah. Like, how are you dealing with your bullshit? That’s your nurture. But the bullshit is your nature. So.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:47:26] That’s right. That’s right.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:47:27] That’s that’s fact. I, I love the way that, that you put that because it makes it all makes sense now like that. I think that that leans that levels the whole field because yeah. Now that makes total sense and typically I’m guessing that you what you’re would you’d find is that mom creates her problems and helps nurture the problems you get from Dad and vice versa. Dad kind of helps nurture the problems mom gives you, but you’ve still got them from both of them. You have to figure out, like you said, with your own up to them and then start to peel them apart.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:48:01] I mean, I think. I mean, I really do love, I use a variety of religions to chop up for parts for how I teach your soul’s mission and who you are and. And so I use in the Kabbalah. They say that you choose your parents and that you you like, even though we don’t remember choosing and we don’t remember signing up for this sport now we did it and we want and when we land here we are white I it and they even say it’s this line right here in in in Judaism they say this line right here your, your your your programs white And you’re like, what about like why am I here and why are you to my parents are what that right instead of understanding you chose this life and that you are meant to see if you remember nothing. No nothing right can evolve those two into a truly fulfilling evolution. So you picked your parents fucked up seeing. On purpose to evolve it. And even though we don’t, we pretend we don’t like this sport and we didn’t really want it yet, that’s part of why we’re going to not win. When we get to the other side and come back again, I get like, you’ll be back for that one, right? Choose your parents quickly and all the problems, because somewhere you signed up for that, right? And so that’s one of the things like and when you get that, when you go, hello, I have to really work hard to find love. Looks like everybody else can get it easily. I have to work really hard, given who my parents or like. So my mother wins. No love awards, right? She is about as mushy. Yeah. I got nothing for you as an ice cube. Okay, cool. Well, thanks. So my mother not mushy, So me being mushy or being a mush ball with my kids was so important to me. And so I took all of my parents trades and I’m like, what if? How do I evolve the lineage in honor of the lineage? This how I teach that. And so I don’t hate my mother. I make her give me a kiss and a hug. It’s very funny. And then I am entirely different with my children as best as I can be that my mother never did with me. And I call that evolution. And that’s basically what I make my clients do. About what? Where they came from. Like, stop resisting it, guys. You picked it.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:50:50] Very interesting. So if you’re able to break these these these epigenetic ties, do you see that that is immediate, like immediately or like down the chain reflected in your children as well?

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:51:05] Yes. They have science that explains that. Like you’re so connected. Like they have the you know, every cell that came together ever, like, can still like if you change it over here, changes it over there.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:51:18] The quantum entanglement.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:51:20] Sure. I, you know, watch out for my lack of language on those things. Yes. So my my kids are all mushy. They’re all mushy right there. Hug in. They’re sweet. They’re mushy. They’re. They’re like they’re not. They’re not in the lineage. Right. And so it really that’s the beauty of it all. Parents should take it all on themselves, their own evolution, because that then gives the kids an entirely different sport than the predictable one. Like, they’ll have my support, right? They’ll be stuck with whatever they want to evolve about me, Right? The game doesn’t stop, right? It ain’t the same thing as my my what? I had to evolve from. From my mother.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:52:14] Yes.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:52:15] Yeah.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:52:16] Very. So. So the idea of. Yeah, because I was talking to it to a dad, a new dad the other day, he was like, I’m so worried about screwing them up. And I was like, don’t worry about that. You 100% will screw them up. It’s just, how are we gonna screw them up? Like.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:52:30] Because I don’t think that’s screwed up. I think that’s I’m sorry. We all wish we weren’t where we are in evolution, you know? Yeah, I agree. I wish we were way ahead of still dumping shit in our water. Right. And not really recycling. Yeah. Like there is a very long list of Stop lying I’m only working on. Please stop lying and have dreams. But I am not impressed with human evolution. I am very impressed with technology, you know.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:53:01] Yes. Yeah, yeah. We we’ve made some cool stuff. We have it. But that’s the other side. Like we don’t spend like I mentioned this all the time. You ask the one thing human beings can agree on is that mental health is important. And you ask me, Well, what are you doing about it? And people go, Nothing. But the only thing we know for a fact is important and nobody’s doing anything about it. Like, do something like, Yeah, but, and this is, this is the deep work that I wish we could teach this stuff in school like, and although Matthew, they’re going to scream at me for this, we don’t need to teach Trig and you know, stuff like that in geometry and stuff in high school. Where do you teach this? Where do you teach? Who are you? Like, I’m so that’s why I’m so glad that you were able to teach us in college courses, because I.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:53:46] Went into high schools. I went into high schools. I went into I went into junior high. Right. Like, so I was. And I have many teacher. Who wants to do Mike in any interview? Course it’s free. Right. So I have always I’d give my courses away for free for teachers and for journalists. Interesting because the people who are writing about it need to be brilliant and connected and get it. And the teachers are like the most important. The more involved the teacher is, the better the world will be. So and I have definitely been trying to get to all the schools. Like, I would do anything to have that be realized. And yes, you’re totally right. You know, it’s awesome. They they love it. They get it much quicker than an adult. It’s actually embarrassing.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:54:41] The kids.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:54:42] Yeah. We can write a dream. They can start telling the truth. I can teach them how to have hard conversations. I can tell them what they’re thinking in their head. They can make a list. They’re not ashamed of what they’re saying to themselves right there. They’re much cooler about divulging the truth.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:55:01] Well, that’s I think that’s one of those things where anything that you work out, if you work your biceps a whole lot, your biceps get bigger and stronger. If you work the give yourself fear, give yourself, you know, terror, give yourself limiting function over and over and over again, which is what we do on a daily basis. It’s going to get stronger. So if if if I if you haven’t worked the hate yourself mechanism nearly as much as when you’re 25, then it should be easier to fix when you’re younger.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:55:27] Yes, I. Love that. I love that. And, you know, so people need to it’s. Yes. Good luck. Let’s. Absolutely. We agree.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:55:38] That then.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:55:40] We need to get much more successful so that we can have much more power so that we can have much more play with our power. Yes, That’s a.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:55:50] Real spectacular. That’s a. We’ll have to yeah, you’ll have to get all the links and everything so that the teachers because I have I work with lots of teachers, but that would be fantastic for them. I would love it if our teachers would take the time, you know, to be able to do some of this stuff so that they can start to figure out, here’s how we can help these kids.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:56:08] Because what I what I wanted to do was raise a fund where if they or if or one day when I had enough money based on this prototype doing well, that I would pay people to become practitioners, like pay the teachers to become practitioners so they could teach the class at the school. Right? So give them a stipend. Let’s like because all teachers need in America is more money. They deeply need more money. So if they could take this class and get led it and then could eventually incorporated in whatever way they can or not, not even like take take the $15,000 and mean it. And I’m happy and it’s all yours before they get an A in this class and you can have that money. Right? So I like help the world do better by teachers like put a little private in the public. Yeah. Was how I plotted the solution to that.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:57:08] That’s spectacular.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:57:12] I’ve spent all my time thinking about this.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:57:15] Well, it’s your. It’s your purpose. It’s your thing. It’s your passion. So, yeah, that’d be interesting because we have. So we have access to a bunch of different. Trainers and teachers in sports, in our sports world. And I think it’ll be interesting because we’re talking about. So I don’t know if you’re familiar with like high end gymnasts, like a high end gymnast will drop out of school. Train eight hours a day and they have special schooling. And some of the athletes in every other sport, soccer, tennis, wherever, who are at that cusp of, you know, going pro like over there, they’re standing one foot in, one foot out. They’ll do this same thing. And I know some of the facilities that take these kids and teach them, it would be interesting to take those kids who are on the cusp of greatness and then walk them through this by teaching their trainers how to do it. So we’ll have to we’ll have to connect with those guys and I’ll connect you with that. That would be a fantastic, fantastic tool to hand these guys.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:58:14] Yeah. And I really own like, it really is an app and a tool and something I can make available. Fabulous and. And facilitate.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:58:24] We will. Let’s put that one together. I’ll hook it with my guys today and we’ll see if we can start moving that one forward, because that would help. That would help my goal of getting natural real health care to people. And yes, your goal is actually helping to change the frequency of the planet, which is kind of the goal. Let’s get everybody moving towards the positive. Yes, let’s evolve the human race a little bit more than we have.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:58:48] Hurry.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:58:49] Yeah. Quickly. I think that would that would help out a lot of people. So I’ll hook that one up. That’d be fantastic. I think. Would be a lot of fun.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:58:56] I would love that. I love that.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:58:58] Well, let’s do this. Let’s. Let’s hook that. Let’s look that up. Let’s kind of work through that. And then a couple of weeks or couple of months. Let’s get back together, kind of walk through how it’s going and that type of thing. We’ll do like another podcast, kind of walk people through it. And so some of the success we’ve had, I think that’d be a lot of fun.

Lauren  Handel Zander [00:59:14] Amazing. Perfect. Yes, please.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:59:17] I love this. All right.

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