Struggling with kids who don’t listen? This insightful talk explores why children often tune out their parents and how this behavior is a natural part of their development. It highlights the importance of parents serving as stable, supportive figures while encouraging kids to explore the world and become their own individuals. By understanding this dynamic, parents can shift their approach, focusing on building a network of mentors, coaches, and trusted advisors to reinforce key messages their children need to hear.

The discussion emphasizes the value of finding the right influences to guide children in areas like health, education, and personal growth. Parents are encouraged to leverage their community, from church groups to trusted friends, to expose their children to positive role models. Ultimately, the talk offers practical advice on how parents can remain a rock for their kids while fostering independence and growth through external support.

Highlights of the Podcast

00:04 – Introduction

01:16 – Role of Parents in Development

02:22 – Developing Independence

03:29 – Influence of External Figures

04:42 – Aligning Values with Influencers

05:57 – Importance of Building a Support Network

07:22 – Finding Mentors and Coaches

08:41 – Mentorship Examples

11:02 – Long-Term Parenting Strategies

13:21 – Final Thoughts and Resources

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:00:04] Okay. So this is this is kind of an interesting one. I think everybody needs to hear this. This is one of those deals where we all kind of know, but hearing it kind of helps. Helps out. So all the time I have parents come in and they bring their kids in and easy example like Kill on the Table will be talking about, you know working out or we talk about getting healthy, you know, like how much water you drink and they’ll tell me in about you should drink this much water. And they go, okay. And the parent is sitting that they’re just kind of like like I tell them this all the time. They don’t listen to me like those, you know, those things. You should you should study harder. You should eat more vegetables or you should eat more protein or you should, you know, drink more water. You know, whatever you should. You should play less video games or whatever it is, Right. Like someone else. Like, I will tell the kids this and I go, it’s a great idea, okay, I’m going to do that. The parents, like I’ve been saying this forever. Why don’t my kids listen to me? So the reason first of all, that means that they’re developing properly. And I realize how silly that sounds, but what that really means is that they’re developing themselves.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:01:16] So parents occupy a very, very specific vertical that’s hypercritical in development of children. It’s the safety, the security, the reliability, the consistency, that type of thing. So we hold that spot and it’s really, really important from that point of safety and security and stability. They then are supposed to reach out into the world and try to figure out what’s going on, right. And then they can run back to us if they need to think of it as, you know, kids in the playground, they’re doing their own thing. They fall down and hurt themselves or they scream for mommy or daddy. You know, you come up there because they’re scared. You comfort and they’re good. They go back to the world and they go out and explore more. That idea, they’re supposed to be developing who they are, right? And so you kind of got that the model of development when you’ve got, you know, the big three model of development, you’ve got kind of the the power or the control you’ve got, you know, trying to get along with everybody and trying to, you know, grow out in the world and become your own person, going to be independent. So you have that that togetherness. You want to be part of the whole you want to have power over it and you want to kind of be your own person and develop into your own thing.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:02:22] So in order to do that, you kind of have to go out and do your own thing. Now, the way that you take advantage of this is that, you know, your kids are not necessarily going to listen to you, but, you know, they need to do specific things, find the mentors for them and have them go sit down and talk to those people. You know, this is why we pick our coaches is how we pick everybody else. So when we’re looking at, you know, trying to find the the health care team for your kids and for yourself, where you’re going to drive something into the mental aspects. Just remember, it’s not just biochemical. Our health is vastly mental, psychological. You know, I always tell people this all the time. I’m like, you know, working out is more mental than it is physical. And they are. What do you mean? Like what? You have to choose to go to the gym, right? If you don’t mentally decide you’re going to go, you can’t even work out. And so you have to have the right mindset to begin with. So we look at some of these kids. That’s the thing. And so what you’re going to try to do is you’re going to try to find mentors for them, educators for them, coaches for them, teachers for them. They’re going to drive them in in the way you wanted to go. This is the same reason that, you know, everybody talks about, you know, don’t let them watch this show. It’s a bad influence. All right.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:03:29] That type of idea, the problem we run into and it’s funny because you see this all the time with conservatives when they see their kids to college. Right. They’ve spent their, you know, half their lives since the kids were ten talking about the college they went to and how important college is and how college develops you and how you need to go to college, get a good job. All these reasons get to go to college, right? And so we psych these kids up. The college is important and we put the teachers, the people who are at school telling us how to live our lives and what to do and how to become, you know, the accountant or the or the professor or the doctor. We want to be we obviously put those people on a pedestal. That’s what you do is you send your kids to school and you’ve hyped it up and hyped it up and they go and they go to the school and they hear all these things and they go, Ah! What I do know is that the person I trusted for safety, stability and consistency has told me my whole life that this is important. And so they get to college and and their parents are conservative and they told her how important the teachers were and how how much they should respect them and how, you know, no respect for authority, that type of thing. They get there and the teachers tell them things and they go, all right, there’s a teacher. This is how things should be. Like, I’m here to learn how to be a better human being. And then they get filled, their heads get filled with whatever they get taught.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:04:42] And if you’re looking at some of the wokeness a if you’re talking about that from the screaming from the universities, that’s what they’re getting taught and they go home and the parents are like, What happened to you? I don’t understand. I raise you differently than this. They didn’t you raised them to respect the authority of the people you put in front of them. And you put people who are have a different view than you in front of them. And they told them that and they respect that view. So the people you choose to put in for your kids is important. And I do this all the time. They people parents will come in like, well, you talk to my kids about, you know, whatever. Like a lot of times it’s like the thing about going medical, they’re like. You know, we get an hour of your time and you just kind of walk them through it because they’ll listen to you. They won’t listen to me. Awesome. Or, you know, my kids want to hear about this or that or whatever. And so I’ll sit down and talk to them. That’s what a lot of this stuff is. So if you really want to get if you want to figure out what are you going to do, let your kids not listen to you And whatever you’re talking about, find somebody that you can send them to, a therapist, a coach, you know, whatever. Like, you know, you can be you can be great at piano and you can help your kids out, but you still want to find a coach for them. You can be great at football, but you still want to find a coach for your kids, that’s for sure.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:05:57] So I sit my oldest to work with one of my one of my NFL buddies on some line work. And Zain starts out, my oldest son is amazing. So he starts asking this guy all these exercise nutrition questions and stuff like that. And it’s funny because my buddy looks at him, he goes, Hey, you know who I ask all these questions to? And I have questions about exercise and nutrition and singers. Who is your dad? And he was just like, it was funny because like Nate, with somebody like the look on this kid’s on Zane’s face, it’s just like, my gosh, I had no idea. And like, you know, But he’s around me all the time. He just didn’t even put, you know, put the idea together. So there’s a lot of that. So one of the things and I know this makes you break this makes parenting so much harder. You should take this as a relief, like, okay, I’m not responsible for everything. All I gotta do is find decent people to put in front of them, you know, to help them kind of, you know, I say them, you know, guys and girls to develop the way we want to develop. And that’s kind of that’s kind of where we start to look at this stuff. So, you know, finding mentors, finding good therapists, finding good, you know, coaches for your kids is really, really, really important. The circle that you that your kids keep is really important as well. You don’t have as much control over that as you’d like. I get it there. It is what it is. But, you know, getting your kids circle is also important.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:07:22] So realize that you are the best thing that you can try to be is the is the example. And then just recognize that the things you want your kids to hear you say are not going to be heard. And so what you have to figure out is, okay, who also says these same things that I can get my kid in front of that they will listen to? Because again, parents like you by that very, very critical, unconditional love. I’m always going to be here for you. You know, this is a consistent space. I’m the rock like you can like I’m here for you whenever you need me. But you also need to go out into the world and become your own person. And that’s the thing. And so if you can find the people to kind of give them the message that is along the same lines, that’s fantastic. This is why, again, networks are so important. You know, I talked to a lot of my buddies, kids about medical stuff, about, you know, weightlifting, about, you know, you know, consistency and, you know, work ethic and stuff like that. I talked to them about that stuff all the time, and that’s why they have me talk to them like I have parents. I have a bunch of my friends who who are send their kids in to get adjusted and they’ll be like, Hey, can you talk to me about steroids? Hey, can you talk to him about this? Hey, can you talk to him about college? How can you talk to him about this? And it’s like, yeah. And so like, we’ll sit down and we’ll have a conversation about, you know, where they’re going and stuff like that.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:08:41] And it’s kind of funny because a lot of these kids are just it’s like it’s like when I talk to the adults, they have this kind of broken up idea and they haven’t colored it in yet. And so you have to kind of walk them through and be like, okay, what is it about physical therapy that makes you want to be a physical therapist? You know, like, do you know how much they make? Do you know, like, what is it about this thing that excites you? It’s like, I don’t know. It just sounds cool. Like, well, maybe you should kind of figure it out all the more, you know, that that type of thing, you know? And again, I guarantee you, because I’ve talked to the parents, it’s the same conversations the parents have. But for some reason the kids need to listen to somebody else. So that is probably the very best thing that you guys can kind of recognize from this one. If your parents, you know, especially if you’re going to become parents soon, start building your network, right? Like, who’s my guy for this and who’s my person for That’s like, you know, I have 2 or 3 orthopedic surgeons that are really, really tight. Like, I like those my guys like, I tell these people all the time, you know, when Zane broke his arm, I took him to Doctor McNutt. If McNutt couldn’t have seen until the next morning, my son, when I had a broken arm until the next morning.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:09:46] Luckily, you know, Joe, Dr. McNutt was able to get a bed that night and got him surgery and he was fine, but he would had that broken arm till the next day because he’s my guy. Like he’s the guy who’s going to do the surgeries, you know, whenever, whenever, you know, I got rid of his, they needed some some therapy work because he had issues with a teacher. I called Steve and I was like, Steve, I need I need somebody for this. And he was like, usually I was like, fantastic. So, you know, that’s the thing. If you’re younger, start trying to building that network. That’s part of being a parent. Building that network. Like, you know, who am I going to have influence my kid? Because, again, I think we’ve all noticed your kids are not going to listen to you all the time. However, you can always find people to put in front of them that they will listen to because there are so many different where they’re the expert. And, you know, that’s kind of that’s probably the best option to take. So if you guys have people, you know, who he would, you know, spend an hour or some mentoring with your kid, then definitely do it like a lot of people like, have you run through your church? I guarantee you can find people there. You know, if you run through, you know, any of your networking groups, if you guys have networking groups, that’ll that’ll do great. This is why this is why community groups are so great for adults and parent groups.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:11:02] You know, check with check with the you’re the parents of your kids friends. You know, some of those guys will be pretty beneficial. Like one of my my youngest son, Laith, his one of his buddies dad is like a big time economist, economic genius who works on Wall Street and they let him live in Texas. That’s kind of how big, big of a deal he is. They’re like, okay, everybody else has to live in New York, but you can live somewhere else. And it’s always fascinating to talk to him about economic function when so whenever we have, you know, econ questions or, you know, how does the world money really work? I’m not going to try to explain it to him. I’m like, hey, go talk to Eric. Like, sit down, talk to Eric. It’s fascinating. So find those guys in those women, obviously in your life that you can have talk to your kids because that’s going to be that’s be the way that you bridge that gap. Because if you if you’re telling your kids drink more water, workout like this, whatever, over and over and over again and they’re just not hearing it, they need to hear it from somebody else.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:12:01] You know, it’s not that you’re a bad person or a bad parent. It’s that they’re developing naturally the way you want them to, and they’re trying to become their own person. That doesn’t mean you can’t influence the information that they get. You just can’t be the one who gives it to them. So fight with that as much as you want to. It’s something I’ve seen over and over and over and over again talking to parents, it’s like it happens at least once or twice a day. The parents will bring kids in and I’ll say something. They’ll be like, the kid will be like, man, that’s a great idea. I’m going 100% do that. The parents just like, what? So I say that all the time. I’ve had dads call me after I work with their kids. Their kids are doing stuff. The dads are calling back. I just want you to know, man, I’ve been telling them to do that for a long time. And I’m like, I believe you. Like that’s why they were open to it. Like, that’s the thing. Like, you got them open to it. We just needed somebody else to kind of give them the how to’s. So but if that’s the if you get struggling with trying to figure out why your kids aren’t listening to you. You might want to try to find a a mentor or a coach or somebody else to put it in their circle to kind of influence where they go with it. So, you know, that’s the bet. And I realize they’re like, Well, that’s not the best idea. I wanted something I could tell myself. I know I did, too. But this this is where this is what I found kind of works the best.

Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:13:21] So I just did a podcast with Steve Scott. The podcasts are live on the on the website on Chalmers Goal.com Just go to blog and then podcasts. And then I think the one that’s up right now is Camille’s Dr. Reagan’s. There’s a little arrow at the bottom of the top one. Click on that and it’ll expand out and you can see all the podcasts we’ve done. I’m, I haven’t changed that slide out, but that’s how it is now. So go out and check those out. Those are pretty cool. We’ve got a couple of other ones coming out next couple days, but that’s that’s kind of where that one is. So if you guys are looking for somebody to influence your kids. Find somebody to put in front of them. That’s that’s kind of the best way to. You know, there’s a lot of, you know, videos and stuff out now, too. I would love it if my kids would watch Doctor Peterson’s stuff, but I don’t think they get it. So find the people, even if it’s like, Hey, watch these videos. They’d be in or follow these people on social media. That’s going to be a really great way to get messages across. All right. If you guys have any questions, have some questions at Chalmers Morningstar.com or drop in the comments. Thanks for your time.

As always if you have any questions, please send them to [email protected]

Check out Chalmers Pillarsofwellness.com for Wellness updates! And ask me any questions you have at [email protected]. I answer all of them and look forward to hearing from you.

The Chalmers Wellness Stubstack just launched. Comment, Like, and Interact with other people on their wellness journey. Communities can make a difference.     DrChalmers.substack.com

Dr. Matt Chalmers

Disclaimer: This content is for informational purposes only. Before taking any action based on this information you should first consult with your physician or health care provider. This information is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health providers with any questions regarding a medical condition, your health, or wellness